Friday, August 1, 2008

Not remotely people-food related (but Very Much animal related)

Warning: Divert your eyes if you don’t want to be grossed out. I do not want to get your hate mail. Okay, maybe I do. I could use a good laugh today.

So Mr and Mrs B ran off to Charlotte last weekend to see some hippie band play, and we were tasked with feeding their two dogs and two cats while they were gone. We’ve done this before; t’aint no big thing. It’s the neighborly thing to do.

Saturday we were going to run down to visit Brad at the oyster place, so on the way out we stopped by the B’s to feed the animals. While there, I noticed some cat vomit on the table, so I cleaned that up. And while cleaning that up, I thought to myself, “Self: normally when there is animal puke in the house, there is bound to be animal puke outside of the house”. With that in mind, I walked towards the back door, and through the doggie door I could see that one of the dogs had dragged out some of the produce which was sitting out on the kitchen counter. I sighed, opened the back door, and saw something out of the corner of my eye that looked like it was right out of a Rob Zombie movie.

A gory bottom half of a bunny.

I closed my eyes and wished it to be a big fat fuzzy rat, but when I opened my eyes again I saw the cute little fuzzy tail and knew it wasn’t so.

The first thing I thought was, Where did the top half go? then i winced and shuddered.

I stepped backwards back into the house and said, “UM. BOY! UM... GO SEE WHAT THE DOGS DID”. And he saw the look on my face and said, “Um... NO! no fucking way!”

Way back in my yout’, I dated and lived with a herpetologist. At one point, we had about 100 snakes in the house (they’re not all crawling around everywhere, they’re caged; so get that idea out of your mind). I’ve seen a lot of carnage in my time from having to feed said snakes; mostly baby mice, rats, and the occasional rabbit for one of the biggie pythons. It has been a long, long time since I’ve seen anything like that, and I’ve kind of purposely blocked a lot of that shit out. I don’t think about that period of my life, nor do I care to.

So we left the house because I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit, and i needed some stink-free air. And then we went to visit Brad. And then we felt guilty for having left the carnage lying about. So a little while later, fortified by many an oyster shooter and several glasses of Gewürztraminer, I put on some food-grade surgical gloves (which the boy keeps handy for handling raw meat), grabbed a couple of garbage bags, and the boy and I skipped arm in arm down the street singing, “Kill the wabbit! Kill the wabbit!” to the tune of “The Ride Of The Valkyries”.

During the time that we were gone, one of the animals (if not all) had taken that bottom half of rabbit and went to town with it. We were left with rabbit parts all over the back porch, coupled with enormous trails of diarrhea. Wanna see?



this picture really doesn't do it justice.

And in case you are wondering, all of the animals are just fine.

2 comments:

emily1274 said...

Do you know how much I love you? :*

french tart said...

a bunch and a chunk? because i'm sure there are no big fat amounts of hate here :)