from bad tv to bad appliances

I’m working from home this afternoon, listening to a mock production call and flipping channels. A couple of things to note:

Today’s episode of Semi Homemade shows Sandra Lee’s kitchen dolled up like a bordello. Her outfit is spectacularly odd. She looks like a cross between a Madam and that bartender in the hotel bar in New Orleans where my dad and I stayed in 1999 who kept whispering about my dad’s aura and how she died once and was brought (miraculously) back to life (my dad raised one eyebrow and said, “Oh yeah? My, how lucky you are. May I have another Bud Light draft?”). I’m expecting ol’ Sandy to whip a crystal ball out of her fridge and tell me my fortune any minute now.

When I turned the tv on, I caught the last two minutes of Rachel Ray’s new daytime show ( I know it’s not exactly new anymore, but I’d never seen it before). She added honey to some big pot of food she had brewing on the stove, and the audience went completely bonkers with delight. You know how the audience on Emeril Live shows go completely nuts when he adds garlic or booze to a dish? These people were losing it over honey. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

I haven’t been watching a whole lot of Food Network lately, but there appear to be a plethora of new shows. The last time they introduced new shows, all the hosts were Giada De Laurentiis clones, and they promptly got canceled. Let’s hope their new line up is better this time around. I guess I could go to the Food Network site and take a looky loo at what they’ve got, but I’m already multitasking enough right now.

Last week, we got a new dishwasher. When we first moved into this house, the majority of the appliances were crap. Okay, all of the appliances were crap except for the stove. The first thing we wanted to do was to replace it all, rip it out and put in new; but we’re not loaded and I’ve no sugar daddy leaving me 8 million bucks in his will, so we didn’t. We said to ourselves, Selves, we will only replace appliances as they die. It wasn’t long before the washer and dryer played hari-kari on each other, so we upgraded to new fancy front-loaders. I’m still in awe over our washer and dryer. A great source of entertainment at our house parties is to turn the knobs on the washer and dryer and see them light up like UFOs. You think I’m kidding? Patty and I stood in front of them at our last party for like 15 minutes, totally amused by this pastime. And we weren’t even on absinthe or anything at the time. Seriously.

Then the fridge sort-of died. The freezer part did first, actually. It was one of those side-by-side jobs and the bottom of it had three inches of solid ice. It would leak like crazy all over the kitchen too. I hated that thing. So I was quite pleased when the time came to replace it.

We’ve been secretly hoping that the dishwasher would konk out ever since we moved in, but it never would. It would work, badly, but not badly enough to warrant getting rid of it. It wasn’t properly installed to begin with, and over time after it had been through a cycle, it would never fully rid itself of all the water. There would be a cesspool on the bottom of the thing after each run. We’d drain it and move on. The cesspool got bigger and bigger as time went on, and eventually the thing just stopped cleaning our dishes about 2 weeks ago. So off we went to Sears (Sears just so happened to be having a sale), and we got a mid-range-price one, and it was installed last Friday.

We ran it for the first time last night, and already I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderful it is. I can actually stand in front of it and carry on a phone conversation if I want to, without SHOUTING! as it’s not ridiculously loud and obnoxious like the old one. Today when I got home, I unloaded it. For the record: unloading the dishwasher and putting away laundry are my two most loathed household chores ever. I just plain hate doing them. I don’t know why. So I’m not going to tell you that a new dishwasher will change your life and make you want to sing songs about how the hills are alive and dance around while you unload it, but I will admit that the chore was not as bad as it had previously been. Knowing that all my dishes are clean and that the new machine used less water to do so than the old one makes me a happy camper.

The last remaining appliance that has yet to be replaced is the stove. I don’t like it, but it works. It works just fine. I’m allowed to not like it, right? And right now, even if I will it to poop out on me, we can’t afford to get a new one anyway. My ideal range is a gas top, ideally with 6 burners but I’d settle for 4, and electric below with convection. Those babies are not cheap. I’ve got a picture of my ideal one on the fridge. In order to accommodate that particular one we’d have to rip out a foot of cabinet and counter top, but right now that’s not an option. One can dream, though.


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