Monday, November 22, 2010
what i'm thankful for.
This year has been weird, what with getting laid off last winter, then obtaining a new job which has drained me of all my vitality and happiness. I’m studying holistic nutrition, and I’m stressed out because I’m three weeks behind in one of my classes and the Proctor U site is down so I can’t schedule my final exam. I lay awake at night worrying about crap that is out of my control, worry about work issues that I can’t fix, worry that the freezer in my garage will poop out and I’ll have to throw away all those chicken carcasses I save to make chicken stock. And I worry about my family. For as much as I have been a lousy kid, what with me complaining about my mother, I do worry because my parents are getting up there in age and I live so far away. Life is fragile. I take it for granted that my mom will always be there, but one day she will no longer be around for me to bitch about – and that’s devastating. Not from the not being able to bitch about part, but because in spite of it all, I do love her. She’s just kind of nuts, is all.
A month or so ago, I got completely wound up in the whole crappy job/school/death of my uncle/starting new business mindtrap that I had a kind of minor meltdown and got sick. I went to the doctor, and while sitting there all goosebumpy in a white paper gown, I just started crying. Life has gotten me so wound up and I’ve forgotten to pause along the way and enjoy it.
So of course I’m being ridiculous, because I’m employed. Who cares if I hate my job? It pays the bills, and that’s important. I’ve got a ton of things I ought to be happy about. I’ve got a great set of friends whom I don’t see very often, but I hope they know I dig them. I’ve got a doting and loving husband, a nutty family, and a freezer full of chicken carcasses. What more can a girl want?
I promise myself to never lose my passion again. To stop and marvel at the colors of the leaves as they change. To get super excited about a really juicy clementine. To sit and gaze at the flames dancing in the fireplace. To never lose my childish innocence.